Waylon, Missing from the photos, 2012 Graduation.

Wyatt's Graduation

Rex, Cindy, Rachel, Brittany, Wyatt, Rozalyn,

Grandma and Grandpa Martensen

May 2012

Wyatt's Graduation.

California High School

California MO

2012.

I looked for you Waylon.

Just a sign.

Just a hint of you was all I needed..

And then I looked at "us".

You're there..

in our hearts,

on our minds..

our thoughts..

Always.

It is extemely difficult to see a

"family photo",

and not have you "with us".

It is why, I can't change my picture on facebook.

It's the last "one"

of all of us,

together.

Fall 2009

The fall before the "fall".

We are all there, Rex, Cindy, Rachel and her two children, Makenzy and Leyton,

Brittany and, at the time, her boyfriend Brad, (Who married Brittany 12-10-2011),

 Waylon, Wyatt,

and

Rozalyn.

Our "family unit".

Broken.

This spring has been the worst.

I know, you would think the first year was "the worst".

But, we were still in shock.

We were still waiting for Waylon,

"to come back home",

from school.

So this year,

this spring, 2012,

has hurt us all.

More than the first.

The stress and the anxiety at times,

is still unbearable.

We have been numb and disconnected...

detached,

separated...

alive, but not living....

going "through the motions",

As Rex said, "I'm faking it"...

in which he got a response from a friend..

"Fake it till you make it...."

sometimes, I guess that's all you can do.

We are all still hurting, so much.

But the hurt, is different somehow,

and I wish I could explain it.

I think our minds, are somehow,

coming to the realization,

this is it..

He is gone.

He is not coming home to us.

Our hearts, however,

refuse.

It is a deep internal struggle.

You don't want to let go of that

"hope".

That maybe your mind is

wrong.

It's still just a "bad dream",

but, you know, it's not...

and you struggle.

We "somehow made it through,"

year two.

I don't know what the next year will bring,

how we will "make it through".

we still take it a day at a time.

Sometimes, a hour by hour as situations arise,

"triggers"

or,

minute by minute.

I do feel sometimes, that,

our family unit is now,

"too broken".

Does it ever feel "the same" again?

(Interjection here, I have ran into a few women, who have openly shared with me their experience, with the loss of a child.  I am referring to a couple of mothers, now in their 70's and near 80's,

I can still see their pain, fell their hurt and anguish,

see their tears stream down their aged faces and wrinkles, and I know my answer.)

Do you ever take a family "photo"

without crying?

You all stand together,

and the thought you have on your mind is,

"Where's Waylon?"

You almost call out for him...

and then,

you remember...