Graduation 2012

When I first saw this photo, I was stunned.  It amazed me that so many out there go the extra steps, to give us something special.  A picture, a note, a post on Facebook.  For me, I get a little back of Waylon.  Many of the photos, stories from friends........I have never seen before, or heard.  And I love seeing and hearing something about Waylon.......it helps..

Thank you, please keep sharing....

Northwest Missouri State university

For those of you who may not have known Waylon, he attended Northwest Missouri University in Maryville.

He fitted in here, he made many friends.....friendships that will last forever.....

Death may steal many things from us,

but not how we feel about a loved one,

a friend

a brother

That, lasts forever.

Rex and I have come to know many of what we call the "Northwest Family"

because that's what they are...

They were "Waylon's"  family.........

and they are our family...

forever connected.

We feel a very special bond to this group of young adults.

Waylon most likely would have been graduating this spring....

along with his friends.....and

his brother Wyatt, graduating from California High School.

I had looked forward to this time for so long...

prayed...for it.

To see both of "my boys" achieving long awaited dreams and accomplishments....

to start new chapters in their lives...

The excitement and vigor that comes with "spring graduation"

there's nothing else like it...

And,

I had longed for this since they were little bitty guys, running around the house together...

Teasing each other,

laughing....

The laughter, the taunting of brothers, the building of that brotherly bond... 

This spring was the hardest yet for Rex and I...

this whole month has devastated us all over again.

It pained us, to just wake up to another day...

We were so excited for Wyatt...

yet still missing the other part of that excitement we had hoped for, waited for and dreamed of.

Rex and I had planned on going to Northwest to attend the graduation ceremonies...

but....we couldn't.....

we tried...

just to painful..

I wish I could have seen Waylon's friends that graduated.

I hope they know we wanted to be there.

And we wish them only a lifetime of happiness and great success in their  future endeavors...

each and every one of them

We love you all.

Graduation 2012...

at NWMSU

wasn't what I thought it would be..

at all.



Memorial Day 2012

My prayer for Waylon

Born 06/21/1990

Waylon shares his birthday with his brother Wyatt.

Both being born on the very same day, 3 years apart.

Waylon's first birthday

at Grandma and Grandpa Martensen's

1991.

The year we moved to Camdenton, MO

This is now our 3rd Memorial Day, without Waylon.

I am going to write what I had written on the very first Memorial Day.  This is from my notes, it's honest, open and when I read it, I don't even believe it's mine.  I don't remember writing it......and I don't remember feeling these feelings......

Thursday, 9:35 PM.  05/27/2010......

3 weeks since the "accident."  So many emotions....Anger, really pissed off...Anger.  Tomorrow will be 3 weeks.  Since the morning...at.....03:58 AM. 

 I can't write it...don't want to say it.....Still to hard to believe.  Monday is coming up, we are going to your..........It's Memorial Day.

As if just saying Memorial Day is any easier...

I am trying to move on...I went out for a jog/run, of course, I just think of you....The other kids, how they are doing....

Dad is going back to work, 1/2 days....

He is taking tomorrow off...we thought about doing something, going somewhere, but after today...and this evening and just arguing, I'm not for sure what we will do....

I still have "thank you notes to get out".  "That really pisses me off....."  Plants to re pot....Your stuff to finish going through....

All this stuff......justs gets harder and harder to do.....as every day goes by.  I don't want to do these things, because...........You're still coming home Waylon...........This is not real.......

Tuesday..I am going to work to see about my schedule....Everyone is so concerned about me going back to work.

You don't get Time you know.......it doesn't stop.....it doesn't care.......

I have cried a lot these last couple of days....It hurts....I feel as if my Chest has been cracked wide open and it's bleeding...

I see you everywhere....

People look at you, and you feel "weird". 

The first time you see people out, the first time you walk in the store, the school, church....it all feels so "weird".

People say things, I know they mean well, but even that is hard......it is just so hard to process, absorb and sort and figure out and understand......It is so confusing.

Today, someone said, "If you changed the life of just one person Waylon, then you did not die in vain...."

That like tore through me.......ripped at my chest again....I remember at first I was angry, I didn't understand, It was just to hard to process, it involved reasoning....and all you can feel is pain....you see at this point, there is no bargaining for the loss of your child.......it doesn't matter at this point to the parent....all we feel is the loss.

It all just hurts to much....

I want to go back.....three weeks ago.  And ask you  to stay home, please.  Stay home tonight.  Don't leave.  I dream about it....Then I wake up, after the dream has turned another direction.  And I wake up.....And it's another day away...further away from you...

All I have written on 05/31/2010 is this,

OK, we went to Bethlehem Church to be with you, Nothing or No-one-could ever prepare you for this.....The hurt, The confusion, The questions.

 

I don't have anything written on 05/31/2011.....

I dont remember it.....

Rex and I have discussed this a lot....We don't remember much at all when we think back over the last two years...

We just know we have been in severe pain....

You see, what people don't understnd is that, the death of a child is all consuming.........and there is nothing that will change it....

On May 13th 2011, our daughter Brittany, graduated from MU.  She got engaged to her high school sweetheart. 

Wyatt, finished his junior year of high school,

Rozalyn finished her seventh grade year,

Rachel was working and trying to keep up with her two babies.....

But, I only remember what I have written down.....or that someone reminds me of, or when I see a picture..

It's different now.......

And when I say there is nothing that will change it, I guess I should add, Time is letting us now learn to cope....

It doesn't change it, but we are learning to cope.....

finally, after two years.

05/28/2012

Memorial Day

It comes around so quickly.....it's hard to believe that it has actually been two years....

I worked Friday -Sunday....12 hour shifts, by the end of Sunday, I thought I was literally dieing..

I couldn't breathe, my chest hurt....

On Monday, we went to see you......

Waylon, I still can not describe the pain your dad and I feel..

The constant battle of emotions.  Dad and I talked a lot, so openly.  We don't always get to do that...you know, it's a busy house....

Dad said, "It's been a weird, confusing two years." 

"Emotions all over the place still."  

We drove out to see you, and on the way, there was an accident...it was horrible.  The minute I saw the crash and the vehicle, I burst out crying.....

I had to process your "accident" again, in my head....

always....it's always on going...you can't help it, and you can't stop it..

Dad and I talked about you, why you Waylon...we still question it....Why...

We talked about how the last two years, we have still just been waiting for you to come home.  You have just been away at college...you'll be home soon now. 

Every get together, every weekend that everybody else is home.

Brittany's wedding, Wyatt's graduation, your birthday..

your graduation...

Holidays, oh the holidays.....

and at every single one of these, we have just been waiting.

And then today comes, and it's a cruel process that we have to go through, as we drive to see you, to sit with you, and cry. 

We think this is because we are finally realizing that Waylon isn't coming home.....

He will never be with us again here on Earth..

this of course, brings on a whole new set of mixed emotions....

Waylon Martensen Memorial Scholarship

May 14th, 2012

California High School Awards Night

2nd Annual Waylon Martensen Memorial Scholarship

$1000.00

Awarded to

Nathan Thibon

(Pictured above:  Rachel, Wyatt, Cindy, Nathan Thibon, Rozalyn and Rex Martensen, absent Brittany Martensen Schlup)

Waylon, I think you would be very proud of the choices we have made....

I would have never realized how difficult it would be to select a recipient for a scholarship...I have sat through many award nights...and it never occurred to me the feelings or emotions that were behind some of those selection processes.....For us, meaning the family as a whole, because we all have input....it was very difficult this year. 

Wyatt is graduating this year from high school, not only did he have to help select a recipient who exemplifies the character of his own brother, he was choosing from his fellow classmates, classmates that he had "grown-up" with...his friends.....I know this was difficult for him.

This scholarship is a tribute to Waylon.  For us, it is bittersweet.....

We want to help, to give back, to a student who is embarking on a new journey of their life, just as Waylon was doing...

A student who loves his family and friends, serves and loves God, and loves to run.....

Nathan, by reading your resume, we felt very comfortable in knowing that you demonstrated fully the characteristics we were looking for to honor Waylon. 

I also felt your compassion for the elderly, with your grandparent, and your genuine concern for assisting future generations in the care of the elderly.  This touches me.  Not many youth today look at our elderly population and want to help...not many understand their needs

I know Waylon had a compassionate heart.  He loved his grandparents....and he would have helped with anything they needed..

Nathan, as you start your new journey, I pray you go forth with enthusiasm and confidence, and always, continue to  Endure the Race.

Waylon, Nathan turned to me after the above photo was taken and said,

"I didn't have the opportunity to know Waylon personally and run with him, and wish I could have..."

May 2011

1st Annual Waylon Martensen Memorial Scholarship

Awarded to

Lesa Langlotz

Making a Difference

Waylon, was making a difference.

Waylon was making a difference in life...more than we even knew.  

You always wonder in life....How are my children, when they are away from home?  Fair question right?  I mean, you raise them, you give them all you have...and you wonder, are they "doing the right thing out there?".  Are they kind to others?  Do they follow the "rules of life"?  Are they living a "good christian life"?  I mean, we don't get to follow them around everywhere they go, when they leave home.  We have to let them "go".  Sometimes, we hear a little comment or praise about them.  And we think, "ya, that's my son", "he's doing ok". 

On Mothers Day, May 9th, 2010.  Three days after the "accident."

We were sitting in church...these were some of the thoughts going through my head.   

I have written down several notes from that days message.  Diligent in serving others.  Devout...Noble things that make a difference in the lives of others...Serving, giving, Living with the dignity of an eternal life.....

Looking back, I know this is Mother's Day...and the message was probably intended for mothers.  But, I could only think of one person....Waylon.

I know Waylon wanted only to bring good to life and succeed with enthusiasm.  That is just how he lived.  

Over the last two years, we have become aware of just how much of an impact Waylon made in the lives of others.  It is humbling and inspiring.  We are proud of the life he chose to live and the difference he was making....

I have this written down from that Sunday morning service in church, "We knew we had a good son....We just didn't know how Great he was."

May 7th, 2010.....We had to let him go......when Rex turned to me in the hospital, that early Friday morning, and said to me....."Cindy, We are about to lose our son,"   I didn't think I would live another day.....another minute.......I am sure Rex felt the same....I couldn't see past that moment, or our immediate hurt.  A day seemed a year away........

But over the last two years, we have learned  so much more about our son.  And while we have lost a son.....we realize we are not the only ones who lost........Waylon was a brother, an uncle, a grandson, a nephew, a friend, a brother to many, a teammate, a roommate, a student, a runner, a tutor, a cousin, he was a representation of this community we live in, and of NWMSU in Maryville, he carried on the Martensen name, he was a "believer" and follower of Jesus Christ...he was someone that many loved....he was making a difference, he was inspiring, he was funny, and he was a very loved individual....he was unique, one of kind, and lovable. 

Today, has been especially hard.  Waylon would soon be graduating for Northwest University.  He would be entering into a new chapter of his life.  Yet, we will never see him receive that college degree, and all that he would accomplish.....we will not see him reach his potential in life....we will not witness all the good he would do, and we will continue to miss the joy, happiness and "fun times", he brought to this world...


But, what we do see, is that he "lives on" through his memory, and through the relationships he made along the way....his friends, family, teammates, roommates, colleague's, co-workers, former coaches and teachers....
people we have never even met,
and some who only knew Waylon through an acquaintance,
and even some, who say, "I didn't know your son, Waylon, but.....", and they will go into a story they heard or share a memory with us.........

And we get to have a little more of Waylon, and say, "Yes, that's our son." 

And for a brief moment, we feel good.

(I have to interject here:  It's ok to say Waylon's name around us, to share memories and tell stories.....It helps.  I know some people wonder, as I used to myself.  I used to feel, we had to be quiet about a loved one, who had passed........DON'T do this.......it's ok to say their name....share what you remember, talk, open up.....celebrate what you can about their memory.....If we cry......it's ok.......we cry all the time anyway.....)

There are so many that have posted on Facebook, or sent a message, text or card.......And we realize we were so blessed to have Waylon here with us for 19 years......and that is why it hurts so much....

Waylon continues to "make a difference". 

Everyday......

Last year, we started the 'Waylon Martensen Scholarship Award", this is presented to a graduating senior at California High School.  A senior who exemplifies the life that Waylon lead.  And a student who was in track or cross country.  As most of you know.....Waylon was a distance runner at Northwest Missouri State University and participated in track throughout middle school and high school.

  This year, 2012, we will again give another scholarship to a graduating senior.......next year, We hope to give two or three and pray, that for years to come, we will be able to honor Waylon by doing this....

Last year, also marked the "First Annual Waylon Martensen Memorial 5K, walk/run...."

August 4th, 2012, with the help of many friends and supporters, we will host another 5K, to honor Waylon....

Money from this event goes not only to the scholarship, but will help support the California Track and Cross Country Teams.

Over time, I pray we will all continue to heal from the tragic event of May 6th, 2010......and keep

"Waylon's Memory" alive and strong.....

When I see it in Stone

Waylon

Weatherman said it's gonna snow

by now I should be used to the cold

Mid-February shouldn't be so scary

It was only December

I still remember the presents

The tree, you and me

But you went away How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be ok

But I'm not going to ever get over you

Living alone here in this place

I think of you and I'm not afraid

Your favorite records make me

feel better

'Cause you sing along with every song

I know you didn't mean to give them

to me

But you went away, How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be ok

But I'm not going to ever get over you

It really sinks in, you know,

when I see it in stone

'Cause you went away, How dare you?

I miss you

They say I'll be ok

But I'm not going to ever get over you

Over You

Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton

This song touches me and I wanted to share what is written and sung so

exceptionally.

This past week, has felt more excruciatingly painful than I can remember in the past.

I don't really know how to explain it.  They say there are "5 steps to grieving with the loss of a loved one".  Only 5, really!  Amazing how people come up with this......

I told you already, I am not a counselor or professional psychologist.....I am a grieving mother.....and for the most part......I feel I am weak and "not coping well".....

When I look at these "5" stages....Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.....

I can see now, after 2 years, where I have maybe been in and out of some of these areas,

Depression, hit me hard, and most likely because I suffered with depression, "pre-accident".  I am not using this as an excuse for anything.....only that it is what I live with...and try to deal with....

I mentioned early in a blog, I have had several friends tell me, not everyone goes through these "stages" the same, at the same time and in the same order....and I believe, you can be in one or two at the same time.....Just my opinion.....And........

I believe that with all my heart....

We are all different...

and yet we are the same....

Grieving is hurt.....

we all hurt.

We just hurt in different ways, and then we deal with that hurt individually...

When I first heard this song....it really hit home with me.....you see.......When I see It In Stone......then I know it is for real...it happened....I tried for the first year to go back and change one moment in time, to change just one minute, to make the outcome different, so Waylon would still be here with us all.

I am selfish for that I know.....And I ask God for forgiveness....because....as much as I miss Waylon......I know I should not ask for him back.......

but I have.......

Everyday I woke up, I was one day away from making that happen......

What stage is that?  Bargaining, I don't know....

Not acceptance....

Sometime after the first year, I realized, I couldn't go back, ever.....

It hurt.....

We still haven't completed Waylon's monument....I know alot of people ask why.....And when I heard this song....I knew.

Because When I see It In Stone....

It is permanent....it's real, this is where he is resting...

this is Waylon's final spot on Earth.....with us....

And that is something....I have not come to grips with yet...

We are closer.....We only need one more item to complete the task....and Rex is working on that.......

and then

"It will be written in stone."

Will we be healed?  No.  But, I guess we will move on to another stage.....

All I know, is that no matter what "stage" I am in, or going through, or have been in.......It doesn't make it any easier.....

Again.....I think we just learn to "Cope" better, after or during, a "stage of grief".

I don't know if this has helped anyone, or made it easier to understand what goes on in the mind of a grieving "mother".  Or if anyone else can even relate to this somehow.......

The hurt....never ends.....the feeling of loss....the wounded heart.....

it never ends....it will continue until the day my own heart stops beating........

That's just how it is when you lose someone you love...

that's just how it is for a "mom".

and that's how it is for me.......

Missing my son.

May 7th, 2012

I'm tired, I don't feel well, mentally and physically.  My body aches.....I feel as if a train has run over me...I know Rex feels the same...

We have cried today...hurt, been in pain, and read tributes to Waylon all day on facebook, received personal messages, texts......We have attempted to "get through the day," the best we can".....I know Wyatt, Roz, Brittany and Rachel, have done the same...It hurts, more than ever...time doesn't change that....at least not yet.....

Some of the facebook posts.....
(I want you all to know, it means so much to us...
to see a text, or post to Waylon, or picture of him...
Thank you for sharing with us.)  

I started writing a new blog tonight.....but at this point, it is not complete...I am not going to rush it, just to have it done....so....I'll get up tomorrow.......and like we have been doing for the past 2 years.......we'll start another day......and take it a step at a time....

Tomorrow, I'll try to finish another blog for Waylon,

and we'll take it a step at a time, just like we have been doing,

Thank you all for your love and support.....

From the Heart

May 6th, 2012

I told you in the beginning, I would be honest, and open.....So......if you were wondering how it was today....well......Today has been heartbreaking...all over again...

Every trigger that could make me think of Waylon, I felt,

emotions were all over the place....and....still....

I'm sitting here, and the events we experienced two years ago are fresh on my mind....

so....even though my blog this evening is not what I had hoped it would be......I put it out there for Waylon..

In his memory....

05/07/2010...

Romans 9: 1-2

Romans 9:1-2

I speak the truth in Christ--I am not lying,

my conscience confirms it in the holy spirit--

I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart..

May 7th, 2010

Two years ago........tonight...... (a much different night than the one we are having tonight).......It was clear beautiful night....stars shining bright......no hint of what was to come....

And...

Our world changed,

Forever.....

Today, I'd like to be telling you about how well Waylon was doing in school, and that he would soon be graduating from Northwest Missouri State University...I'd tell you about his future plans, and how is was doing in Cross Country, along with his teammates.....

I'd tell you that he would be coming home soon to see his little brother graduate from high school....

And, how he would be stopping in the school to catch up with his former coaches....

He'd spend time with his sisters......Roz and Brittany and Rachel...play ball with his nephew.....and listen to his niece, Makenzy, as she told him a story..........

He would want to round up a good card game, maybe with Brad and his grandpa..

He would see his friends....and his family.......his cousins and we would all savor the time we had with him...

Because Waylon was special to be around....

and, It hurts deeply to have had to let him go at such an early age...

much sooner than we could have imagined...

I've heard a lot of things said to me since losing Waylon,

and the one thing that hits me the most with truth and honesty is this, "It's ok to grieve in your own way and time,"

"Not everybody grieves in the same way, or will go through stages in the same order, at the same time."

If you have lost a child, I pray you realize this, and,

That you know, there is not a "magic book" out there,

one that will take you through a particular path of healing....or promise to heal your broken heart...

But there is a Bible, and faith and hope...

and love....

And there is the promise that one day, I will see my son, Waylon, again.......

And that's what I carry with me, day to day....

and I pray someday, it will be easier to

carry.....

Waylon

we miss you

and

you are never forgotten

We love you always

Mom, Dad, Rachel, Brittany, Brad, Wyatt and Rozalyn,

Makenzy and Leyton

Friday, May 7th, 2010

Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you;

That is how I know you go on.

Far across the distance and spaces between us;

You have come to show you go on.

Near, Far, wherever you are........

Waylon loved the movie Titanic

The year it came out, I must have taken him 4 or 5 times....

He loved it, The music really made an impact on him, and  he learned a song that we have recorded.....and I will post that someday......It is so sweet!

May 4th, 2012

Waylon, I have so many memories of you to share....

But.....today is a very difficult day...

I can barely breathe, my chest hurts, my hands are numb, my ears are ringing and I feel nauseated.....

I am so tired, but I can't sleep....I know it was the 7th that you went home to be with the Lord....I was expecting to feel this on Monday......But...it was a Friday......and somehow....your body just knows....it just senses the time........and........It started yesterday....(May 3rd, 2012)  Your body just has this internal clock.  It knows......

I would just break out into uncontrollable sobs....I was looking frantically for something......that I couldn't ever find.....

Dad was out of town.....I was here alone......I tried to find you......

Then Wyatt came home, after school, and gave me the biggest hug ever, lifted me up off the floor......

and I felt comfort.....

I felt some peace.....

and I know I felt some of you in that hug....

I felt some of you.....

And I was able to make it through the day alittle better......

And now it's today.......

and it starts all over again....

I'm looking at my notes from 2 years ago.....We were in shock...
(and we would be in shock for a long time to come.)

I know those that were with us at the hospital had started making phone  calls.....and with the technology out there....it didn't take long for people to know.........that a great person was no longer here with us......

I wrote, in my notes,  "I don't remember much"....because I don't....and I don't remember much about this time last year....and I really don't remember much about the last two years.......

All I do know, is we try to make it through the best way we can, every day, since we last saw you here with us.....It's hard to describe to those who "don't know" the power of the loss of a child.  Nothing is the same.......You lose track of time, it's a blur, and you lose the ability to even function "normally" at times....I have written down notes that, I don't even remember writing....if I didn't see it in my own handwriting....I would not believe it was my thoughts.....because I don't remember even thinking some of these thoughts...

"Post-Accident"

The phone never stopped ringing, friends and family and our church family came by...I kept a list for a while....I tried to catch all the details...so I could thank everyone....It was very important to me, I wanted to make sure I "thanked" those people who were there, called, stopped in, helped, offered condolences, helped with planning and details......I know there are pieces of the funeral and visitation that happened not because of your dad and I, but because people assisted in so many ways....
I couldn't list all the names, and plans made because people cared....

Somehow, your Dad was so strong.....I don't know how....

He talked with people as they came by, took phone calls, made phone calls, took notes,  started some of the planning....

yes, the planning.....see.....everything just keept going.....it never slowed down, it never gave us time to even catch our breath...didn't give us time to even figure out or try to understand, "what had happened",

That, we would learn, takes time, lots of time......

I would have sworn my heart had stopped....but I could hear it swishing in my head....I was numb....

A group of Wyatt's friends came over.....brought me flowers....I was honestly overwhelmed....I didn't think I had any feelings left, until I saw these young men, here in the house, crying.....Wilson.....he was devastated......they all were...they looked up to you Waylon......so many kids did.......

I hope you know that.....I pray that just maybe....you knew what an impact you had on those younger generations.....

It was heartbreaking to see them,

Somehow, Brittany was holding it together...She was right there with Brad and they were willing to do whatever needed to be done......But I knew, hers would come later, when she and Brad were alone....and he could be there for her....She was deeply, hurt, devastated, and in shock.....she had just seen you.....spent a great evening with you......made those memories with her brother...

We keep Roz busy with friends, I was so worried about her.....I know we could not have made it through those days without our friends and family........Kelly, Adrienne, and the girls.....
Could not have made it without the support and help and prayers of our friends...

Rachel helped us so much.....the organizer....but we were all devastated Waylon.....in shock.....hurting...desperately trying to understand what had just happened.........

Poor Wyatt, he wanted to do something very special for you at the "funeral".  I don't know how, but he and your dad would perform an amazing song for you, so touching.....

"The Dance".

I have to go now Waylon.....but I have so much more to share ...funny stories that will make people laugh...

pictures and videos.....

Bret just texted me the other day...

"Sure was a one of a kind Laugh!"

I miss you Waylon......I miss your laugh!

We all do....



Romans 8:28, May 7th, 2010.

Waylon

Waylon and Derek

and the

"Vibrams".



                                          Romans 8: 28-30

And we know that in all things God

 works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified; he also glorified.

May 11th 2010

As I sat at the funeral of our son, Waylon, I tried to take notes, because I knew at some point I would go back to that day, and try to understand, try to find the reason, try to not ask God, over and over again, "Why?".  I knew I would look for the answers to a question, forever, if that's how long it took, until I was satisfied, until I could digest the outcome of one moment in time, that changed us all.

I heard, "His life was complete."

"God Honored Waylon, In his death, He took him quickly."

May 6th, 2010.

I start going over the days events, something that I would do for a very long time to come, and everything was so normal.  You were just right there, in the house, smiling, happy......talking of the BBQ, friends, the turkey hunt, showing off your Vibrams....You gave me a hug......(I love to hug my  children, I love the feeling it brings to me)  you were laughing, that infectious laugh you have, telling your stories to Dad and Wyatt, showing Roz how to run.....

At some point, I think on the way to Columbia,

I call Brittany.....Go meet your brother, they are flying him up to the hospital in Columbia now....He was in a car accident.....Yes, he's on his way.....is she alone?  No, Brad is there with her.....Good......It would not have been good for her to be alone....(She hates hospitals anyway)...looking back, I realize how hard this must have been on her.....

I think at this point, I realize it's not good, it's going to hurt and the outcome......I could not even have imagined....Ever.

I was still breathing, because my chest hurt every time I tried to take a breath, the drive to the hospital was excruciating.  My hands and feet were tingling all the way to the hospital.

I look at your dad, He seems ok, I mean, he's driving the van...But I know, he is feeling every single emotion I am....If not more somehow....He is concentrating very hard.....He would have to be...

I look Wyatt.....and I kept looking at him....what was he thinking?  He was quiet.....

Roz...she's behind me...it was hard to see her, but I know she's there,

During this drive, phone calls somehow, had started...technology spreads the word...I know prayers are already being sent up....There's facebook....and cell phones...it doesn't take long..

We get to the hospital, you are already there...they are trying to fix you Waylon.....

What they don't know,  is that you are already "perfect".  You're complete, your mind, soul, spirit, is already so perfect...

You and God both knew, I would have to see you at the hospital, Dad and I both needed that time at the hospital to be with you...

Rachel is there, Brittany and Brad, Chuelo...we sit and wait to go see you...your in surgery...time is scary.....I feel sick...I want to scream....I get sick....when I come out of the bathroom...they are moving us to another waiting room...another wait....

More family show up and are on the way, Rick and Valerie, Marcia and Bri, Morgan and Brian, Ian and Justin, his mom, Ben....phone calls, prayers and messages....

I think at some point a physician does come out and talk to us, they pull us into a room, He's looking at me, trying to prepare me, this is the point that I know a part of my heart dies......

It's not good, to many things wrong, tried to stop the bleeding...kidney just gone....not breathing on his own....Wait....I'm a nurse...I know there are things you can do....His eyes are trying to speak some unspoken language to me I know....I reject it.....He finally says....We had to staple his head shut, to try and stop the swelling...

I know a part of me died...

Was he in pain...please don't let him suffer...I know I asked this question a thousand times...No, he never regained consciousness...

Rex looks at me, takes my hands, tears are running down his pain stricken  face, "Cindy, we are about to lose our son."

God please no, don't let this happen, Why...God......Why..

Don't take our Waylon....

They finally come to get us......I'm not prepared for what I see, how would you be, None of us were......

(Waylon, I'm having trouble, this is harder than I thought,

I'm trying to type from my notes...I can hardly read the page..)

You were laying there, so peacefully.  I held your hand, kissed you, and wiped the blood off your face, around your nose and eye...I tried not to look at the cuts, abrasions, blood, tubes, I peeked under the sheet at the dressing on your abdomen, They opened you up from the front, near the left side, this seemed odd to me, there was a big dressing there, they said your right kidney,

I noticed right away though, Your beautiful tattoo, was

untouched.

You had a chest tube, fluids infusing and you were on the ventilator.  This was hard for me, being a nurse, I wanted to take over, make sure we didn't miss something, did they have all the right gtts infusing?  All the right medications you needed?

 

But, I had to focus on you...and what little time I might have left with you...

Towels covered your head, except for your perfect beautiful face...

You had a strong heartbeat.....a runners heart.....

As a parent, even looking back, this is undescribable and exhausting..I had never experienced anything like this before...I know Rex had not either..Looking at my notes...I just wanted to fix Waylon and take him back home...

Happy, smiling and laughing

We gathered around Waylon, and we prayed...all of us...

I didn't want Waylon to hurt...The Doctors spoke to Rex...I knew it was time....They were just going to put you on oxygen and not have the machine breathe for you...Your heart rate was already dropping.......along with mine and I'm sure everyone's in the room.....I knew you were going...Oh God this hurts...

Can I please have some more time?

Please, don't go....please....

03:58 AM, Friday May 7th, 2010. 

You went home.

I'll never forget how you looked.  (It was not the same as I had seen you on Thursday evening, What happened buddy?  You always have your seat belt on?)

We spent time with you.....they turned off the heart monitor...your heart would be the last to stop beating...I could not watch the slow agonal rhythm.....you were not breathing....

It was quiet....

Dad and I got to be with you, alone....he probably had to pull me away...someone started sobbing......I think it was me....shhh, don't make to much noise Cindy....there are others.....I don't know how he stayed so strong.........

They hand us a bag...with all that's left from that night.....one little bag of belongings.......

wait.........his Vibrams.....he had on his Vibrams......where are they?

Dad tries to tell me, there gone, probably thrown away when he got to the hospital.....

NO......I want his Vibrams...

Then a tall young thin guy says.....Hey, "I think I saw those.....I'll go look for em."

After a long wait....he comes back........

and he hands me Waylon's Vibrams.....

with just a few drops of dried blood on them.....