Coping Updated, Isaiah 41

04/28/2012
Isaiah 41
Coping

Isaiah 41: 10 and 13

10 So do not fear, I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

13 For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you,
Do not fear;
I will help you.

I came across the bible verse Isaiah 41:13, from a friend, Leesa, that I think of every day, when I was reading her e-mail.  She is going through a very difficult time.  Her husband is very ill....a long road ahead of them.  I met them both in the hospital, before he became very ill.  I fell in love with them.  Both just as sweet as two people could ever be.  I bonded with my patient, and let my guard down.......I talked to him about Waylon....and he talked to me about his own grandson that has been diagnosed with cancer.

I think....it was very therapeutic for both of us...both trying to cope and understand why at such a young age, "things happen."
It was a good visit, just like it was meant to be. 
 
I don't know how to really explain it, but I have to be very careful when and with who I talk to about Waylon.
When I am at work, it's best for me to stay focused and not go into much discussion about Waylon.  
I work in a hospital, on a step-down unit, so I run into a lot of different circumstances that, at times, will bring back harsh memories....
"triggers" I call them..
I try not to go there at work....it never has a good outcome, and then drains me. And
leaves me at a different place than I was.
A lost empty place, hurting.

Any other time, I can usually talk more openly now....about Waylon....after 2 years....because, I can then leave, or crawl away......and go cry....
But that's what we do.......to cope... 



04-28-2012 

It's starting again.  The uncontrollable emotions that will rage through me.  The images of a car crash, that forever have changed our lives.  A lifeless body, the one you swore to protect, love and nurture until the day you die.  The unanswered questions.  Oh, the unanswered questions that will drive you to a point of insanity.  Hopes and dreams that will never be fulfilled.  A moment in time, forever imprinted into your mind.    
A moment in time.....

Please understand that when I say, "It's starting again", that it has never, ever left me.  But, that all of this has grown to different levels, or stages of coping.   I am not for sure how to even put certain things into words yet.  

But this I know,

You never "get over" the loss of a child. 

You will never forget.

It will always hurt.

However, there is truth to what I was told nearly two years ago. 

You will eventually start coping

And,

That's where we are with Waylon.

Learning to cope.

May 6th and 7th are fast approaching now.  (My coping skills are growing weak.)  It's not easy, it's the hardest thing I have ever had to live through, and there are not words to describe the feelings of grief and loss. 

Over the next week, I will be sharing from my notes written just a day after we lost Waylon.  This will not be easy, but I feel lead to share in our journey.

I believe we are learning to "cope".  We have "good" days and "bad" days and sometimes, really "bad" days, even periods of time, where we have slipped into total depression.    But it has been nearly two years,   time doesn't stop......it marches right over you and through you......all you can do......is pray that you will be able to cope......through a minute, an hour, a day....then maybe through a week, then a month.....then a year,  and then it starts all over again......

June 12, 2012

It's true.....it starts all over again......It's like you're a long distance runner/hurdling over obstacles.

You make it over one point.....just to see another jump coming....

and then another......
Sometimes, you make it over the hurdle.....and others you fall flat on your face.....you crash and burn.....and it hurts....you have major set-backs.  Sometimes, you really just want to lay down and give up. 

People will ask....and say things like,
"I don't know how you do it,"
"I couldn't do it"
"I can't imagine what you must be going through, or how you make it"....
"I don't know what I would do,"

Well.......I don't make it...Some days I can't cope, or get out of bed...and I never could have imagined the devastation the loss of my child would feel like......
Some days....I have to say it out loud....
"Did it really happen?"
"Is he really gone?"
"Is he never going to come home?"

The other day..Rex and I were driving and I said...I know Waylon is in heaven....I know that.
With all my heart and faith
I know he is.
But...I can't picture it...I have tried and tried...
My mother passed away 9 years ago this past May..
I can picture her in heaven.
I know she is there.
I know she accepted Christ as her personal savior and she was baptised before she passed away...
and I can see this.
But Waylon, I can't..
and Rex said,

"It is because you haven't let him go yet."

So you see, we are trying....
we have made some hurdles...
and we have fallen over others.

Will I ever let Waylon go?  To see him in heaven,
I don't know, right now, I hold him very close to me..
it's what I do..
to cope....

 

Psalm 77: 3-4

Waylon and Leyton 2010

Psalm 77: 3-4

3 I remembered you, O God, and I

groaned;

I mused, and my spirit grew faint.

4 You kept my eyes from closing;

I was too troubled to speak.

When I started looking back over the months, "pre-accident", I was looking  for all the positive signs I could find, that Waylon was happy.  That he was content, and that life was coming together for him.  He had often talked of his  future plans, and the  places he wanted to go.  Possible internships.  Still, I think it was very important for me, and I think for Rex too, to not only know this piece of information but to have felt it, or witnessed it.      

Rex and I had been to Waylon's indoor meet in February of 2010.  I believe this was the meet that he wasn't feeling well and we had tried to give him some cold medicine, only to make matters worse.  He could barely catch his breath by the time he finished his race.  The ending was not good.  We felt horrible.  I could feel Waylon's frustration and despair.  I knew how hard he had  worked and trained.  I also knew how badly he wanted to succeed.  To achieve and accomplish that PR. 

We visited with Waylon and as always, we were so glad to have some time with him, and always sorry to have to leave. 

 I remember telling him to take his vitamins and get some Vitamin- C.  (Was he eating right?  Was he getting enough rest?)  It was always on those days, that as a mother, the worry began.

The end of February, 2010, Wyatt and I traveled to Joplin to watch Waylon run at another indoor track event.  Waylon was feeling much better that day.  His cold long gone.  I remember feeling so relieved.  I had been worrying so much about him.  He was happy and excited to see us, and we were able to spend some time with him before his run.  Wyatt was telling him the latest news from home, and I was just enjoying the moment with my boys.  Happy to see them laughing and sharing stories.

We found some bleachers near the holding area when they called for Waylon's run.  I took some photo's.   (Waylon seemed to enjoy the camera that day.)  He looked over at us and did some funny moves and stances.  Then he held up his hands in the shape of a "W".  Win for Waylon.  "W -his trade-mark sign."

Soon the race started, I thought he looked great.  Fit.  He started off  fast and strong, the start of a great race.  I forget the distance of this race,  but about half way into it, I noticed he was falling back, and he also looked like he was in pain.  I remember feeling so helpless.  Wyatt and I both just stood by and watched as Waylon struggled through the race.  I wanted to cry.

We found him after the race.  I could tell instantly that he was mad, upset, defeated.  He was sitting down and there was a trainer with him.  They were examining his foot.  What now, I remember thinking.  Hadn't he had enough set-backs and little injuries.  Why did there always have to be something?  He tried so hard, all the time. 

I got over to them and looked down at his foot.  I can recall being "pissed" when I saw his foot.  I'm a nurse, and I've seen blisters and open sores, but this, on a runners foot.  I looked at the trainer , furious, and said something about it being wrapped during the run, I was so mad, I  didn't even hear his response.  I tried to console my son, tell him how proud we were of him and how good he was doing.  He had other races coming up.  Just rest your foot and let it heal and you'll be ready for the next one.  We spent a little more time with him before we had to head home.  I felt brokenhearted, and always wished I could do more for him. 

Around the end of March, Waylon was home for a short visit.   Life seemed to be looking up again.  He was happy and his foot had healed up.  He was back to his old self.   For those who didn't know him, Waylon's natural character was generally entertaining.   He liked to joke around, laugh and have fun.  To see him any other way was concerning.

 I recall during this visit that he was able to go and spend some time with his older sister and his niece and nephew.  Wyatt was able to be there also, so they played outside and did re-enactments  of Star-Wars.  Waylon teaching them to fight like a Jedi.  (This would be the last time Leyton and Makenzy would see their uncle Waylon.)

March 27th, 2010, Waylon was running in Columbia, MO.  So close to home.  We were so excited to see him.  His friend Justin and Aunt Marcella were also able to be there.  Waylon was looking and feeling great! It seemed like the last few months of trials were behind him.  He had that laugh of his goin on, and life was good! 

He had a good run!

March 28, 2010, we had a family get together, at grandma and grandpa's house.  The last time we would all be together with Waylon.  The grand kids always liked to come and challenge each other in a game of cards.  So, this time was no exception. It was  Waylon and grandpa against the world!  They played and enjoyed a night of family fellowship.  Waylon was laughing and had a blast being partners with grandpa.  

 Later, when everyone was wrapping up and getting ready to leave, Waylon said, "I've had
more fun than I've had in a long time."

Grandpa added, to Waylon, "Be careful going home, (to Maryville)."

And Waylon replied, "If something happens and I don't make it

there, I'll still be going home."

That was in March.


I know on May 5th, 2010, that Waylon was happy.  I had seen and felt the pure joy and excitement he had for life!   It seemed he had finally come full circle with several obstacles, some personal struggles and he had landed on
TOP! 

Psalm 77: 1-2 (05-06-2010)

PSALM 77:
1-2
I cried out to the Lord...

Waylon Michael Martensen
1990-2010

I have cried out
I have cried out for you
Can you hear me
Can you see me..

Psalm  77

I cried out to God for help;

I cried out to God to hear me.

When I was in distress, I sought the

Lord:

at night I stretched out untiring

hands,

and my soul refused to be comforted.

I have cried out, please help me God
please help me through this
I am down
on my knees
I need you God
I need you

My heart is drained...
empty
will it ever feel again
will it ever beat with life again

May 6th, 2010

The rest of the night, (Thursday), went on with Dad, Wyatt and Roz and I finishing up the days events, getting ready for bed and watching the 10:00 news.  Odd for me, I didn't always stay up that late, still had Friday to go.

Wyatt and Roz went to bed around 10:30.  Dad and I finally in bed around 11:00.  I think that's when I started thinking about the days events and something really stuck in my head.

You didn't give me your standard good-by.  I have to include the readers in here on something, Waylon and I loved the "Lost" series.  And, one of the things from that show was a saying that Waylon had grown accustomed to using.  Especially with me, whenever we were together and Before he left, he would always say, "See you in another life, bra-ther."  Desmond, in Lost, would always say this on the show.

As I reflect back on my notes, I'm sharing my thoughts just a day after the accident.

"Hey Waylon, I didn't realize that when you said, "Don't worry Mom, I'm coming back home tonight," that you were preparing me for what was to come.  I know we had our quirky little sayings and our own little way of talking to each other.  Little things you take for granted every day.  So, when you didn't say to me, standing there in the kitchen as usual, "See you in another, bra-ther," ;

I should have known, right then and there, that you were "going Home to be with our Father".

I feel as most "mothers" do, this thing called intuition, And

I have, since the accident, thought so much of this one little part of that night.  I can still see you looking at me, like you saw some concern on my face for the late night activity.  You kinda smiled at me...the last smile I would see from Waylon...

  "Don't worry mom, I'm coming back home tonight."

And you were gone......

You see, it's these things that become almost an obsession.  You reflect back, over and over again.  Signs that maybe you should have said, "No, you're staying home tonight."  But, Way was in college.  Home to see not only us, but his friends.  And we didn't object.  We let him go about his normal activity.  Like we always did.

So, I went on to bed, excited about the plans made for Friday.  I did my usual count I always do, just before going to sleep.  In my mind I think of all my kids, where they are, and what they are doing. 

Rachel was in J.C.  Brittany was in Columbia, MU.  Roz and Wyatt here in the house.....

Waylon, would be home soon.......

just not to our home, here on Earth
but to a home only he would enter..

Hebrews 13: 1-2 Notes to Waylon

Hebrews 13: 1-2

Keep on loving each other as brothers.

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing

some people have entertained angels

without knowing it.

Waylon, The last band trip for 2008
California High School
California, Mo

(AS, High School Friend)

I love you so much, and the memories you made will be with all of us, forever, I can't help but thinking about all the things you've said and all the images of you that stick out in my mind, you'll always be here, in all of our hearts, because you are the kind of friend that stays with someone, no matter what, love you Waylon.

(TN, High School Friend)

Waylon, we are all missing you down here but we know you are in a better place now.  It's just hard to accept because we all enjoyed your presence in our lives so much.  You could make anyone smile, no matter what was going on.

(CM, Northwest Friend)

Waylon, what can be said that hasn't already?  You touched the lives of so many people.  We will all remember the crazy fun times we had with you.  You were a fierce competitor and you would do anything for a friend.  No one can ever replace you and I will always remember you Sway.  RIP, I love you man.

(BW, High School Friend)

Waylon I miss you....I looked up to you a lot throughout high school.  Everyone and their mothers was friends with you.  In track you were someone I always looked up to.....no matter what, you set the example, many.....times.  You never gave up, even if it meant Coach G, putting all of us in the 2 mile, 800 and 4x400 in one day, you pushed yourself all the way to the end, then puking, but you gave 110%.  "Endure the Race."  You may not have known it, but many of us looked up to you WayWay!  Thanks for being there for me, and being a Great Friend.  You impacted many lives and will never be forgotten.  Please look over us.  Everyone misses you....RIP....WayWay.

(E.D., NWMSU)

I wanted to share with you a special mark Waylon made at Northwest Missouri State University.  I was his psychology instructor in a class of 60.  He stood out.  He was a kind, funny, intelligent fellow who was a joy to know.

May you find moments of peace in this tragic time. 

God Bless

(Northwest Missouri State University)

(AA)

Your son was a blessing.  I am so thankful he was a part of my life.  He was a caring, sweet, and all around amazing person. 

Thank you for raising such an awesome person.

(MP)

Waylon was the most spirited individual on the Team!

Driven and passionate, He found ways to carry himself on the team, in a way truly his own.  With a smile and a "grunt",  Waylon Style,

(Coach, MP)

(MD)

Waylon was an amazing person.

I can still remember him in the 5th grade.  He brought a smile to every one's face.

(KH)

Your son touched a lot of lives.  Including mine.  He had an amazing heart and spirit that brightened the toughest moments.  He was the best teammate and friend anyone could ask for.  I am a better person for knowing him. 

(JD)

Waylon was a large part of the NW Team.  In the past 2 years he has brought our team together, making us an amazing family.  His ability to include everyone, and make everyone feel loved and welcomed, shaped our team.

(BP)

Waylon was an awesome friend.

He was so energetic about life, and was always willing to help others in need. 

(JH)

Waylon was the first person I met at NW.

Just knowing him for a few months really changed my life.

(EC)

Waylon's presence always lit up a room.

He was truly a great friend and teammate and shared his passion for life with everyone around him.

(TO)

I only knew Waylon for a few months, but that was more than long enough for him to leave a lasting impression.  His kindness and love for life attracted everyone.  We know he's home now, smiling over us. 

I can't wait to meet your son in Heaven!

(Mr and Mrs Coach K)

Waylon was like no other person I've met in my life.  God filled him with such a spirit, such enthusiasm for life!  On a gray day, Sway was always beaming.

How blessed we are for the moments we had with him!

(TN, NWMSU, FCA)

Waylon will be missed.

By both his teammates and the Northwest community.

John 16:33

(BH, High School Friend)

Way Way, the thoughts racing through my mind all day have been fun, bright, laughable, blessed memories spent with you.  You are one of those people who would go to any lengths to make someone smile.  No doubt that everyone in your life meant the world to you and you would do anything for them.  Outgoing, good-hearted, ha...ppy, positive, bright, considerate are all the words that come to mind when I think about my friend.  I had the honor of becoming closer to you this past winter break--MU games, "Party in the USA",  jam sessions, and the Famous "TOUR OF MARYVILLE:)",  Thank you again for taking timeout of you busy delivery schedule to make that for us girls!  I'm sure you wouldn't want everyone to be sad and depressed right now, but rather celebrating all the awesome memories you shared; and we will do just that, because I'm sure you're up there now

"nodding my head like YEAH........

moving my hips like YEAH.........:)"

(BJF)

You were a great guy Waylon and the only time I didn't see you smiling, was just after running around town  for 3 hours and you could barely stand,

(MC, NW Friend)

Thanks for bringing laughter and smiles to work and life in general, for sharing recipes with me, and being an amazing friend to my brother and I.

(JM, NW Friend)

Man, I remember when I first got to know you. It was coming back from Tulsa last year.......you was singing, "I'm on a boat" and even though I didn't think it was the best song, you was jammin hard to it.  And that's what I will always remember

you by......A guy that just liked to have fun........

(LF, High School Friend)

Waylon, I don't know where to begin.....You were such a good friend to everyone and you truly could put at smile on anyone's face. I'll never forget track and all of our karaoke on the buses, or our hilarious times in Mrs. W's class, "It was an amazing trip, I barely remember any of it.....Well, it's a good thing you......made a power point!!.....You were an inspiration and role model for so many people.  You'll never be forgotten....love ya buddy.......

(MMM, HS Friend)

It was such an honor to know you and be your friend.  You always made the room brighter when you walked in.

You were a fantastic person.

You will be missed.......

(JH, High School Friend)

Thanks for all the memories Waylon.  Some people say that you never really die as long as you are remembered by the people that loved you.

You sir, will definitely never be forgotten.  You had a good

19 years and it's been fun.

Rest in peace brother.

(MR, HS Friend)

I'm at a loss man....not only for words but in my heart...

even tho you were at NW, you were still one of my closest friends.  You were an amazing person.  Everything will be missed about you.  Even those days from good ole DQ, deep frying anything we could find or seeing how many flies we could catch with our hands......Just keep watchin over us man.....I'm gonna miss you.....

(IR, HS Friend)

Jeez man, where do I begin, I can't believe your gone.....

I miss everything about you.  Your laugh, your craziness, and of course, your voice, which has been described as the songbird of our generation......haha......I know you're up there watching down on us, and I can't wait to get up there and have that Bromance.....we were gonna have today.....I love you man and miss you like crazy.....rest in peace and serenade the good Lord with that voice of yours..........

(MS, NW Friend)

Waylon, you were one goofy guy and that was what made you Waylon.  I can still hear that laugh of yours.  I love you and will miss you man.  R.I.P.

(KL, HS Friend)

Waylon, aka, my "Brother", you were definitely the best algebra tutor, "Ever"!!  I'm so glad we got to spend so much time together over this winter break.  Love you so much

(CA, HS Friend)

All I can do is smile, tho knowing how m...any people you made happy and had fun with..  Football was a blast with you, there was always something to laugh about, including when you tripped over that piece of grass, when no one was around you, and you messed up your leg and had to set out!

R.I.P   (Gumby)  WAYLON!!

(KP, HS Friend)

Waylon-you were such an inspiration to all of us.  You reminded us all to laugh and joke and keep a happy heart.  You were a joy to be around and were a great friend.  I loved working with you and you were always there when we needed to vent!!  I will truly miss you.  Watch over everyone from above.  XOXO.

(DR, Northwest Friend)

I miss you Sway.  You were the best roommate/teammate/friend that anyone could ask for...

Been thinking about you a lot lately, well all the time.  It's crazy, you've nearly been gone for as long as I've known you, but you have made an impact on my life that will last for as long as I'm here.  It's never been the same without you......

From Friends of Waylon Michael Martensen

 

Sweetly Broken, Last night home.

Last Night Home....

Sweetly Broken

To the cross I look

To the cross I cling

Of it's suffering I do drink

Of it's work I do sing

On it my savior

Both bruised and crushed

Showed that God is love

And God is just

At the cross, You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love,

I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift

Undeserved life

Have I been given

Through Christ crucified

You've called me out of death

You've called me into life

And I was under Your wrath

Now through the cross I'm reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess

How wondrous Your redeeming love and

How great is Your faithfulness

At the cross You beckon me

You draw me gently to my knees, and I am

Lost for words, so lost in love

I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

May 6th, 2010. 

Rozalyn and Dad come in the house.  You had been outside showing your little sister how to "run".  You were showing her how to mid-foot strike to toe, instead of heel strike to toe.  You were laughing and caring on with her.  There was a special bond building between you two.  Both just as proud of the other and happy to have some time together.  A bond that should have been allowed to continue...to grow.....

You and Rozalyn measured to see who was taller.  She was 12 and you were 19.  "She's catching you," I remember saying.  This made you laugh and even tease her more.  I remember seeing pride written all over your face.  You asked, "what are you feeding her?"  and "how tall are you going to get?".  I think you even called her something like an "amazon girl"...always just teasing.....the love was there....Waylon always showed love and respect for his "family".

You then went over to the foyer and showed us how you could go from squatting position to a hand-stand.  I was impressed. That takes strength, focus and lots of muscle.  It was cool.
I wish now I would have taken pictures...
but who would have known...
I would never get the chance to ask you to do that again..

Later, that evening, you wanted to go to a friend's house.  This we were used to also.  When you came home, you had so many people to see and so many places to go and so little time.  So little time to squeeze it all in...

  We wanted you to stay home with us.  But, we knew you liked to see "everyone", and you were going to be home all weekend, right?  I was tired, still had another day.  Dad had taken off to be with you and was ready to get some rest to be prepared for that big Turkey hunt.  Somewhere around 8:30 p.m. we got a call from a friend of Wyatt's.  Calling needing some help, just down the road.  He was stuck in a gravel bar near our house.  Wyatt had come home, you all had been telling your stories to each other, laughing, caring on like always.  So you, Wyatt and Dad piled into the "old green Dodge" and headed down the road to help. 

When you got home, I remember wanting you to, just stay home.  But, your dad and I didn't push the issue.  We had come accustomed to how you would run off to places at odd hours of the night to see your friends.  We thought it was strange sometimes, but, like I said, we were used to it by now.  So, this was nothing new for us.  And sleep was something that you just worked into your schedule when you came home.
As time allowed.

So, we let you go, not questioning the logic but advising you not to be out to late, so you and Dad could chase turkey in the morning.  Dad had been looking forward to this day for some time.....
To hunt with his son.

I remembered, you must have seen a look of concern on my face, because you said, "Don't worry mom, I'm coming back home tonight." 

And you were gone...

I can still see you...

looking back at me
smiling.
Assuring me..
all was good.

Sweetly Broken

Jeremy Riddle

Blessed Be Your Name

Waylon Michael Martensen
1990-2010
Forever Missed

Blessed Be Your Name

April, Tuesday, 17th, 2012. I am driving down the road and decided to put on a CD that I really had not listened to for, well lets use the term, "before the accident" or pre-accident. I mean, if I am going to be honest here, which I am, that is how it is for us, and I am sure for thousands of you out there. Life is now measured in terms of, pre-accident, or post-accident. That's just how it is. Everything changes.

Everything.

Blessed Be Your Name, Newsboys. A Christian group I listened to, pre-accident. You see, for the longest time, I have been in depression, (and I'm not saying I am free from it, I'm not) and, I'm sure you don't have to ask why! But, music that I listened to before, well......sometimes made me mad.  It make me think to much, it made me search for reasoning.  Search for Answers, to unanswered questions.

  The term "A melody is like a Memory."  You have no idea how true this is.....It almost becomes a curse to hear a song, a tune, a lyric........Music in general can become a cruel enemy....It takes time...to be able to go back to even having the radio on when driving down the road.

   So, I didn't go there.

 Yesterday, I did.

Blessed be Your name

In the land that is plentiful

Where your streams of abundance flow

Blessed be Your name

And blessed be Your name

When I'm found in a desert place

Though I walk through the wilderness

Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out I'll

Turn back to praise

And when the darkness closes in Lord,

Still I will say,

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be Your Glorious name

Blessed be Your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's "all as it should be"

Blessed be Your name

and Blessed be Your name

On the road marked with Suffering.

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be Your name

You give and take away

You give and take away

My heart will choose to say

Lord, Blessed be Your Name

You give and take away

You give and take away

Blessed be Your Name

I went to the park when I got back into town and just sat there, in the car. So peaceful. Kids playing, laughter in the air, people fishing and walking, pushing strollers, people running, a dog jumping in the water, birds singing, squirrels darting around. The sun is shining, the air clean, crisp. A great day.  Right?

"Pre-accident"

It is days like yesterday, that take me back to May 5-6, 2010.

You were coming home. Big plans had been made. Mother's Day weekend. Turkey hunt. BBQ with all your friends. You see, when one of the kids was coming home, that took precedence. This house is known for "get togethers with friends". That's just how it was here.

You were so excited. Couldn't wait to get it all started. Your first stop was to go to Columbia and meet up with your big sister Brittany. Stay over night in Columbia with her. This was Wednesday, May 5th, 2010. You were even going to come to my work place and we would have lunch together. Talk. Catch up. Wow, I loved those days.

So, Brittany, who attended MU at the time, was going to take her little bro out on the town. You two always had a special bond, and always got along so well together. I was always so proud of that. She took you out to Whiskey Wild, you danced with, according to Brit, a lot of girls! I can just imagine that picture in my head! ( For those of you who have seen Waylon dance, you know what I mean!) You rode the mechanical bull. And you met a girl named Cassie, Brit's roommate. You must have hit it off with her because later you told me you were taking her out on Mother's Day for lunch, to the Olive Garden. Ok, I thought, even though it Mother's Day, I was actually so happy for you. I knew you were over-coming some personal struggles, and I knew you needed this. You told me, "Mom I'm going to make you a cheesecake for Mother's Day." Ok, see, he was still thinking of his Mom. After Whiskey Wild, Brit and her friends, Cassie, Jennifer and Heather then went with you to the Waffle House, at like 2:00 am! This was not anything unusual for you. You had told me about midnight runs to St Joseph Mo, from Maryville with your friends. Just to go to the Waffle house and eat. Brittany said, "you had a good time." She also mentioned that while you were at Whiskey Wild, dancing the night away, the staff had put 2 M's on your hands for, "Minor". She said you were running around flipping one hand so that it read, "WM", for your initials. I can just picture that! Later, after your 2:00 am run to the Waffle House, she said you and Cassie stayed up and watched a movie. All of this was just normal activity for you. As a 19 year old teenager, you had the energy. You would go and go and go. I would think of you as the energizer bunny. Once in a while you would crash, sleep for the longest time ever, and be fully re-charged. This is what we were used to. Nothing out of the ordinary. Brit said the next morning she was rushing out the door at 8:00 am for work. The only thought she had, was she wished she had stayed up and watched that movie with you and Cassie. She later told me, "Waylon said he would see you this weekend."

That next day was Thursday May 6th, 2010. Waylon and I were going to meet for lunch, but I got to busy at work. And I never got that talk, the one where we were going to catch up. Ya, that one. Oh, there's lots of that, post-accident regrets. Our lunch date didn't happen. But looking back, he did have lunch, I believe with one of his best friends, Justin. I am glad of that. I wish I could say I knew every step he took that day, but my account is written down as this.

I know I was late getting home. Work......kept me from time with my son and a lunch date with him. Not even going there right now with that. I had stopped at the store to get you some chocolate milk and your cereal for in the morning. Oh, and BBQ sauce and seasoning, for the big night you had planned. I remember being agitated at myself, I was in a hurry to get home to see you and spend time with you and everyone else. I didn't want to be at the store, I wanted to be home. I was standing at the meat dept, and decided, heck with this, I am going home. You and your dad could go to the store tomorrow after the Big Turkey Hunt. You could pick out your own stuff. Dad had taken the day off to be with you and go out and shoot the lucky turkey of the day! You always had a way of hunting, that was unlike any others. When I finally got home, here you came. Bouncing over to the van. Happy, smiling, in a great mood, your were on top of the world! You had on your Vibrams, "Hey mom," We hug, I can still feel that hug, "Hey Way", I noticed right away your mood. It was calming and re-assuring. It was like sitting at the park as I described earlier, all was good. Cherry, light, crisp and clean. You helped me carry in the groceries. You were talking 90 miles a minute. Telling me of the events last night, meeting Cassie, you were taking her out, and showing me your Vibrams. "Hey mom, you should really get a pair,". I said I would. You showed me how you could move your pinkie toe, away from your foot, because of the muscles that build up with those shoes. I thought that was so cool. Then I remember just looking at Waylon. He was in great shape. Thin, a runners body, all muscle. There could not have been an ounce a fat on him. I thought, wow, what an awesome son. I remember, I felt so blessed. My children were all going to be home for Mother's Day. I just had to get through work on Friday, and then the weekend could start.

Blessed be His name. That was a day I would have been shouting. Blessed be His name.

He gives and takes away

He gives and takes away

Again, I want those out there who are reading to understand, I don't claim to be a writer, an English major, a psychologist, or anything thing else like that. Any references I use, I usually describe at the time. I have an open Bible, my notes that I started writing, post-accident, spell check, if it's turned on, my cell phone, and an open, wounded, grieving heart. This is all from me, unedited, raw and honestly written to the best of my ability. My accounts, dedicated to my son, Waylon Michael Martensen.

Hebrews 12: 1-2 Endure the Race

Hebrews 12: 1-2

Waylon's Tattoo

Our last family photo,

Fall 2009

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

My opinion on tattoos has changed drastically over the years.  I never really appreciated them earlier in life.  Actually, I was repulsed by them.  I didn't understand why people wanted to mark their bodies up.  Ink stays on for life.  Over time, and with teenagers, I think I grew more tolerant of them.  Secretly, I even liked some.  Not on  my body though, never. 

Then, I came across this verse, which is my favorite verse, Hebrews 12: 1-2  Endure the Race.  My son, Waylon, loved the verse also.  He loved it so much, he wanted it tattooed on his body.  I didn't think he would actually ever get the tattoo though.  He would often say, "Hey mom, we should go get one together." or "Hey Mom, we can go together and get the same tattoo, at the same time, wouldn't that be cool?"  Oh sure Waylon, real cool. What was he thinking?  The real question was, What was I thinking?  My son wants to go get a tattoo with his mom, a bible verse mind you,  and I don't go!  Of course, I was asking myself, "Who me! Are you kidding.  With dirty needles and rock-star dazed people smoking dope?" Wouldn't catch me in there!  No way! 
Eventually, Waylon went to get his tattoo.  Without me.  He went with his big sister, Brittany.  His Best Friend Justin, but no mom.  They all three got tattoos.  They made memories, laughed, shared stories, maybe cried from the needles.  I don't know, because I wasn't there, even after Waylon asked me to go. 

Waylon came home with the most beautiful tattoo I had ever seen.  It was on his left side, closest to his heart.  Beautifully created.  I loved it.  I wanted it. I wanted that same one.  Why didn't I go with him.  Waylon being the nice kid that he was, said he would go with me anytime to get my tattoo.  Of course he would.  Would have held my hand too if I had asked.  But, I never went.  And now, this is one thing I will never get to do with my son Waylon.  Ever.  Oh, I still want my tattoo.  And I will get it someday.  My younger son Wyatt went and got a tattoo in his big brothers memory.  Did I go you ask?  I wouldn't have missed it.  Do you think I would have missed that?  Rex and I both took him.  But, back to Waylon and his tattoo.  I wanted you to read on......you see this is also the tattoo that was untouched on his body, 
 after "the accident".