Coping Updated, Isaiah 41

04/28/2012
Isaiah 41
Coping

Isaiah 41: 10 and 13

10 So do not fear, I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

13 For I am the Lord, your God,
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you,
Do not fear;
I will help you.

I came across the bible verse Isaiah 41:13, from a friend, Leesa, that I think of every day, when I was reading her e-mail.  She is going through a very difficult time.  Her husband is very ill....a long road ahead of them.  I met them both in the hospital, before he became very ill.  I fell in love with them.  Both just as sweet as two people could ever be.  I bonded with my patient, and let my guard down.......I talked to him about Waylon....and he talked to me about his own grandson that has been diagnosed with cancer.

I think....it was very therapeutic for both of us...both trying to cope and understand why at such a young age, "things happen."
It was a good visit, just like it was meant to be. 
 
I don't know how to really explain it, but I have to be very careful when and with who I talk to about Waylon.
When I am at work, it's best for me to stay focused and not go into much discussion about Waylon.  
I work in a hospital, on a step-down unit, so I run into a lot of different circumstances that, at times, will bring back harsh memories....
"triggers" I call them..
I try not to go there at work....it never has a good outcome, and then drains me. And
leaves me at a different place than I was.
A lost empty place, hurting.

Any other time, I can usually talk more openly now....about Waylon....after 2 years....because, I can then leave, or crawl away......and go cry....
But that's what we do.......to cope... 



04-28-2012 

It's starting again.  The uncontrollable emotions that will rage through me.  The images of a car crash, that forever have changed our lives.  A lifeless body, the one you swore to protect, love and nurture until the day you die.  The unanswered questions.  Oh, the unanswered questions that will drive you to a point of insanity.  Hopes and dreams that will never be fulfilled.  A moment in time, forever imprinted into your mind.    
A moment in time.....

Please understand that when I say, "It's starting again", that it has never, ever left me.  But, that all of this has grown to different levels, or stages of coping.   I am not for sure how to even put certain things into words yet.  

But this I know,

You never "get over" the loss of a child. 

You will never forget.

It will always hurt.

However, there is truth to what I was told nearly two years ago. 

You will eventually start coping

And,

That's where we are with Waylon.

Learning to cope.

May 6th and 7th are fast approaching now.  (My coping skills are growing weak.)  It's not easy, it's the hardest thing I have ever had to live through, and there are not words to describe the feelings of grief and loss. 

Over the next week, I will be sharing from my notes written just a day after we lost Waylon.  This will not be easy, but I feel lead to share in our journey.

I believe we are learning to "cope".  We have "good" days and "bad" days and sometimes, really "bad" days, even periods of time, where we have slipped into total depression.    But it has been nearly two years,   time doesn't stop......it marches right over you and through you......all you can do......is pray that you will be able to cope......through a minute, an hour, a day....then maybe through a week, then a month.....then a year,  and then it starts all over again......

June 12, 2012

It's true.....it starts all over again......It's like you're a long distance runner/hurdling over obstacles.

You make it over one point.....just to see another jump coming....

and then another......
Sometimes, you make it over the hurdle.....and others you fall flat on your face.....you crash and burn.....and it hurts....you have major set-backs.  Sometimes, you really just want to lay down and give up. 

People will ask....and say things like,
"I don't know how you do it,"
"I couldn't do it"
"I can't imagine what you must be going through, or how you make it"....
"I don't know what I would do,"

Well.......I don't make it...Some days I can't cope, or get out of bed...and I never could have imagined the devastation the loss of my child would feel like......
Some days....I have to say it out loud....
"Did it really happen?"
"Is he really gone?"
"Is he never going to come home?"

The other day..Rex and I were driving and I said...I know Waylon is in heaven....I know that.
With all my heart and faith
I know he is.
But...I can't picture it...I have tried and tried...
My mother passed away 9 years ago this past May..
I can picture her in heaven.
I know she is there.
I know she accepted Christ as her personal savior and she was baptised before she passed away...
and I can see this.
But Waylon, I can't..
and Rex said,

"It is because you haven't let him go yet."

So you see, we are trying....
we have made some hurdles...
and we have fallen over others.

Will I ever let Waylon go?  To see him in heaven,
I don't know, right now, I hold him very close to me..
it's what I do..
to cope....