Memorial Day 2012

My prayer for Waylon

Born 06/21/1990

Waylon shares his birthday with his brother Wyatt.

Both being born on the very same day, 3 years apart.

Waylon's first birthday

at Grandma and Grandpa Martensen's

1991.

The year we moved to Camdenton, MO

This is now our 3rd Memorial Day, without Waylon.

I am going to write what I had written on the very first Memorial Day.  This is from my notes, it's honest, open and when I read it, I don't even believe it's mine.  I don't remember writing it......and I don't remember feeling these feelings......

Thursday, 9:35 PM.  05/27/2010......

3 weeks since the "accident."  So many emotions....Anger, really pissed off...Anger.  Tomorrow will be 3 weeks.  Since the morning...at.....03:58 AM. 

 I can't write it...don't want to say it.....Still to hard to believe.  Monday is coming up, we are going to your..........It's Memorial Day.

As if just saying Memorial Day is any easier...

I am trying to move on...I went out for a jog/run, of course, I just think of you....The other kids, how they are doing....

Dad is going back to work, 1/2 days....

He is taking tomorrow off...we thought about doing something, going somewhere, but after today...and this evening and just arguing, I'm not for sure what we will do....

I still have "thank you notes to get out".  "That really pisses me off....."  Plants to re pot....Your stuff to finish going through....

All this stuff......justs gets harder and harder to do.....as every day goes by.  I don't want to do these things, because...........You're still coming home Waylon...........This is not real.......

Tuesday..I am going to work to see about my schedule....Everyone is so concerned about me going back to work.

You don't get Time you know.......it doesn't stop.....it doesn't care.......

I have cried a lot these last couple of days....It hurts....I feel as if my Chest has been cracked wide open and it's bleeding...

I see you everywhere....

People look at you, and you feel "weird". 

The first time you see people out, the first time you walk in the store, the school, church....it all feels so "weird".

People say things, I know they mean well, but even that is hard......it is just so hard to process, absorb and sort and figure out and understand......It is so confusing.

Today, someone said, "If you changed the life of just one person Waylon, then you did not die in vain...."

That like tore through me.......ripped at my chest again....I remember at first I was angry, I didn't understand, It was just to hard to process, it involved reasoning....and all you can feel is pain....you see at this point, there is no bargaining for the loss of your child.......it doesn't matter at this point to the parent....all we feel is the loss.

It all just hurts to much....

I want to go back.....three weeks ago.  And ask you  to stay home, please.  Stay home tonight.  Don't leave.  I dream about it....Then I wake up, after the dream has turned another direction.  And I wake up.....And it's another day away...further away from you...

All I have written on 05/31/2010 is this,

OK, we went to Bethlehem Church to be with you, Nothing or No-one-could ever prepare you for this.....The hurt, The confusion, The questions.

 

I don't have anything written on 05/31/2011.....

I dont remember it.....

Rex and I have discussed this a lot....We don't remember much at all when we think back over the last two years...

We just know we have been in severe pain....

You see, what people don't understnd is that, the death of a child is all consuming.........and there is nothing that will change it....

On May 13th 2011, our daughter Brittany, graduated from MU.  She got engaged to her high school sweetheart. 

Wyatt, finished his junior year of high school,

Rozalyn finished her seventh grade year,

Rachel was working and trying to keep up with her two babies.....

But, I only remember what I have written down.....or that someone reminds me of, or when I see a picture..

It's different now.......

And when I say there is nothing that will change it, I guess I should add, Time is letting us now learn to cope....

It doesn't change it, but we are learning to cope.....

finally, after two years.

05/28/2012

Memorial Day

It comes around so quickly.....it's hard to believe that it has actually been two years....

I worked Friday -Sunday....12 hour shifts, by the end of Sunday, I thought I was literally dieing..

I couldn't breathe, my chest hurt....

On Monday, we went to see you......

Waylon, I still can not describe the pain your dad and I feel..

The constant battle of emotions.  Dad and I talked a lot, so openly.  We don't always get to do that...you know, it's a busy house....

Dad said, "It's been a weird, confusing two years." 

"Emotions all over the place still."  

We drove out to see you, and on the way, there was an accident...it was horrible.  The minute I saw the crash and the vehicle, I burst out crying.....

I had to process your "accident" again, in my head....

always....it's always on going...you can't help it, and you can't stop it..

Dad and I talked about you, why you Waylon...we still question it....Why...

We talked about how the last two years, we have still just been waiting for you to come home.  You have just been away at college...you'll be home soon now. 

Every get together, every weekend that everybody else is home.

Brittany's wedding, Wyatt's graduation, your birthday..

your graduation...

Holidays, oh the holidays.....

and at every single one of these, we have just been waiting.

And then today comes, and it's a cruel process that we have to go through, as we drive to see you, to sit with you, and cry. 

We think this is because we are finally realizing that Waylon isn't coming home.....

He will never be with us again here on Earth..

this of course, brings on a whole new set of mixed emotions....